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What it means to be self-congruent?

Many people are living a lie. It is a bold statement but when you consider what it means to be self-congruent it makes sense.  Some call it two-faced and others call it being hypocritical when people say one thing and behave altogether different. If all boils down to being comfortable in our own skin.

Self-congruent means being able to portray our real self and project it into the world around us. With the world as it is today many people are “competing” and “comparing” and they become incongruent. Being incongruent for some is a self-protection device but it means you operate and do everything in life as a false self rather than being true to who we are.

Being self-congruent you are happy with who you are, but it goes further than just feeling good. Self-congruent people can be themselves not having to adjust themselves or conform to what is perhaps seen as “fitting in”. Self-congruent people fit in regardless and this does not mean that stand out because they are different. Far from it, self-congruent people have a certain confidence and energy about themselves.  

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Trying to fit in with behavioural and belief systems of the world is hard work and being incongruent, projecting someone different to who you are or what you are really feeling is not healthy. When it takes effort to try and fit in and you are not able to truly be yourself can lead to issues as we become confused and conflicted in our thinking which can lead to depression and anxiety. Depression and anxiety end up changing the person you are, and life can become full of unhappiness leaving a person feeling very unfulfilled.

Of course, there are times where social etiquette and behaviour is expected, but there is a difference between conforming and being incongruent. When conforming, self-congruent people still portray who they are. Self-congruent people are often perceived as free spirits but in reality, they have simply learnt to let go of things and just be themselves. By not pretending to be different to who they are a self-congruent person is often considered more trustworthy, it is something that is immediately felt, deeper than the gut and for this reason, often have a wide circle of friends.

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Carl Rogers Theory

However, in society today being self-congruent can be challenging and many experts believe that congruent people are brave as they are not afraid to be who they really are, even if this makes them a little different. In a society where hiding true emotions is often considered the best thing to do to ensure we fit in the truth is there a many more false people on the planet that perhaps ever before. 

In summary, being self-congruent is accepting ourselves and our feelings for what we really are. Covering up sadness with laughter is common and people will laugh rather than cry. There is nothing wrong with feeling like we do and thus why put on a mask and pretend otherwise? We are all here to live our own lives not to live, or try to live, the lives of others.

Be self-congruent, be strong, be you and live a happy life.

Have a great day,

Ilona B. Schukina


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